Being Mum and Dad Under an SGO Was My Child’s Choice

My child chose to call us Mum and Dad. That choice was theirs, and it continues to be theirs.

I come back to that whenever I find myself trying to explain our family. Before the paperwork, the questions and the words I sometimes feel expected to use, there is my child and what feels right to them.

Being able to call us Mum and Dad gives them security, stability and a sense of normality. I take that seriously. I do not see those names as something I have earned the right to demand. I hear them as something my child has chosen to give us.

In truth, I also find it difficult to describe us as anything other than their parents.

We have been at every teacher meeting, every doctor’s appointment, every occupational therapy appointment and every hospital visit. I am the person they come to when their school day needs to come spilling out. I listen to the things that upset them, the things that matter to them and the things they have been holding in.

I have been there for the first crush, the first boyfriend and the heartbreak.

I am their parent through all of it. My connection is not through blood. It is through presence, love and the life we keep living together.

What Mum Means to Me in Our Kinship Family

I cannot separate being Mum from the ordinary things I do.

I think about the meetings I have attended and the conversations I have had because something was worrying me. I think about listening carefully at appointments, trying to take everything in while also thinking about what it means for my child.

I think about knowing that I need to listen a little longer when the first explanation does not quite tell me what has happened.

Most of that never appears in a description of our family. I cannot fit it neatly beside the words kinship care or special guardianship. Yet that is where so much of my parenting happens.

I do not spend our everyday life thinking about whether I qualify for the title. I am usually too busy doing what needs doing, trying to understand something or being available when my child needs me.

It is often only when I have to explain our relationship that I become aware of the gap between the language on a form and the life we actually live.

I can give the formal answer. I can say that we are a kinship family and that we have an SGO, a Special Guardianship Order. I can explain the arrangement when that information is needed.

When my child calls me Mum, though, I do not hear an arrangement. I hear my name in our family.

My Child’s Choice to Call Us Mum and Dad

I feel protective of the fact that this was my child’s choice.

I do not want to turn it into a statement about the adults in their life. I do not want their words picked apart until something that brings them comfort becomes another complicated thing they have to explain.

I want them to be able to say Mum and Dad naturally, without feeling that they need to provide the history of our family afterwards.

There is something very ordinary about those words, and I value that ordinary feeling more than I can easily explain. Our family already has parts that require thought, care and sensitive conversations. I appreciate the places where my child can simply belong.

I also know that their choice is not a conversation that happened once and then became a rule.

I want to remain someone they can speak to openly. If their feelings become complicated, I want to hear that too. My love cannot depend on them using a particular name for me.

I can treasure being Mum while still remembering that the word belongs to my child as much as it belongs to me. I do not need to hold it so tightly that there is no room for their feelings.

I Have Been There for the Whole School Day Afterwards

I have sat through the school meetings. I have listened to what has been noticed, what has been difficult and what needs attention.

Then I have listened to my child’s version.

That is a different kind of listening. I am hearing the school day from inside their experience, with all the emotion that might not have been visible in the classroom.

Sometimes I think of it as the whole day being emptied onto me. The difficult interaction. The thing that felt unfair. The moment that hurt more than anyone realised. Everything arrives together, and I am the ear they need.

I do not always find that easy. I can feel upset on their behalf while trying to understand what happened. I can want to respond immediately when what they need first is time to finish speaking.

I am still learning when to ask a question and when to leave a little space.

My experience of parenting a neurodivergent child sits within that listening. I try to understand what the day has felt like for my child, rather than assuming that an account of what happened tells me everything I need to know.

I want to know what took effort. I want to understand what became too much. I want to hear the part that might otherwise be missed.

I cannot make every school day easier. I can keep being someone my child can bring it home to.

Parenting Through Appointments and the Worry Afterwards

I have been at the doctor, the occupational therapy appointments and the hospital.

I know my presence matters in those rooms, but I also know that my parenting does not begin and end with attendance.

I take my knowledge of my child into each appointment. I listen to the professional view and try to understand how it fits with the person I know. I ask questions because I need to understand, not because asking is always comfortable.

Afterwards, I am still their parent. I am still thinking about what was said and what might help.

I sometimes wish that this part of parenting were easier to explain. The appointment is a visible event. The attention around it is harder to show.

I cannot put a neat boundary around the worry or the responsibility. I care about how my child feels before, during and after. I care about whether they have felt heard. I care about what we need to do next.

When I reflect on being a parent under an SGO, these are some of the moments I return to. I have been present for the practical things because I love my child, and because being their parent means taking those things seriously.

I Am There for the Crushes and the Heartbreak Too

I do not want my account of kinship parenting to become only a list of meetings and appointments.

I am raising a whole person. I get to hear about the first crush and the first boyfriend. I am there when feelings become complicated and when heartbreak arrives.

Those moments matter to me just as much.

I want my child to be able to tell me something because it matters to them, without me immediately turning it into a concern to investigate or a problem to solve.

I can be protective. I can find it difficult to see them hurt. My instinct can be to make things better before I have even worked out whether anything needs doing.

I try to remember that being trusted with a feeling is important in itself.

I do not need a perfect answer to every disappointment. Sometimes I need to listen, take it seriously and accept that I cannot remove the painful part.

I am their parent in those conversations too. I am Mum when the subject has nothing to do with special guardianship, kinship care or an appointment. I am Mum when they simply want to talk about someone they like.

I love that our relationship has room for that ordinary growing up.

I Can Honour Their History and Still Be Their Mum

I do not experience being Mum as a need to erase anything.

I know my child has a history that did not begin with the name they call me. I want to make room for that history, including the feelings I may not always find straightforward.

I do not need to pretend that everything is simple for our relationship to be real.

I can feel secure in being their parent and still listen when they need to talk about other people who matter to them. I can love the family we are while recognising that my child’s feelings may have more than one layer.

I want to be careful with that responsibility.

My feelings about being Mum are mine to manage. I do not want my child carrying the job of reassuring me or protecting my place in their life.

I would rather keep building a relationship in which they can be truthful.

For me, security includes knowing that a difficult conversation will not undo my love. I want my child to feel that with me, even when I need time to find the right words.

I Am Still Learning Within Special Guardianship

I do not have a flawless version of kinship parenting to offer.

I have my own experience, my love for my child and a continuing willingness to learn. I can attend every meeting and still come away with questions. I can know my child closely and still misunderstand something they are trying to tell me.

I have to leave room for that.

I do not want the word Mum to imply that I always know best or always get it right. I want it to mean that I take my responsibility seriously enough to reflect, listen and try again.

Parenting my child means holding practical responsibilities alongside feelings that do not fit into tidy explanations. I can be tired and loving. I can be worried and grateful. I can feel certain that I am their parent while still finding parts of the experience difficult.

I do not think my honesty about that weakens our family.

I think it helps me describe the family I actually live in.

We Are the Mum and Dad My Child Continues to Choose

I keep returning to my child’s choice because it tells me something important about how they experience us.

Mum and Dad give them security, stability and normality. I do not want to make those words more complicated than they need to be.

I know what sits behind them in our home. I know the appointments we have attended, the school conversations we have had and the feelings my child has trusted me to hear.

I know that my parenting includes the difficult days and the lovely, ordinary conversations that happen between them.

I have not become their Mum through blood. I have become their Mum through our relationship and through being present in their life.

My child chose the name. They continue to choose it.

I hear it with love, and I keep showing up.

More From My Life as a Kinship Carer

I have shared more about my experience of kinship care, finding support and being the safe place my child needs in these posts:

• What is a Kinship Carer? Understanding Kinship Care, SGO and CAO

• Life as a Kinship Carer: What No One Prepares You For

• Finding Support as an SGO or Kinship Carer

• The Safe Place They Choose: Why Children With Trauma Fall Apart at Home

About me

I am a married mother of four children. One of those four children is our granddaughter, for whom we are SGO (legal guardians)/kinship carers. I run a small business and enjoy writing, so I blog. My blog focuses on my family life as well as my experiences of living with chronic illnesses and disabilities such as ME/CFS, spinal stenosis, chronic pain, and fibromyalgia. Oh, and I am only in my mid-40s.

My Experience of Being Mum Under an SGO

• Why does my child call us Mum and Dad?

  My child chose to call us Mum and Dad, and that continues to be their choice. Those names give them security, stability and a sense of normality. I value being Mum because of the relationship behind the word and the trust my child places in me.

• What does being a parent through special guardianship mean to me?

  For me, being a parent means being present in my child’s everyday life. I have been there for the school meetings, doctor’s appointments, occupational therapy and hospital visits. I am also there to listen to their school day, their first crush and their heartbreak. My parenting is built through that continuing presence and love.

• How do I support my neurodivergent child after a difficult school day?

  I try to listen to how the day felt for my child, as well as what happened. I want to understand what upset them, what took effort and what became too much. I do not always have an immediate answer, but I keep making room for them to talk and for me to understand.

• How do I honour my child’s history while being their Mum?

  I do not see being Mum as erasing my child’s history or their feelings about other people who matter to them. I want our relationship to have room for those conversations. I can treasure being their Mum while making sure they do not feel responsible for protecting my feelings.

Disclaimer: I am not a qualified expert. This FAQ is based on my own experiences as a parent and what I have learned while raising my child. It reflects personal insight, not professional advice.