The Unexpected Challenges of Taking on a Child - Special Guardianship Order (SGO) Journey
The Unexpected Challenges of Taking on a Child -SGO Journey
The Unexpected Challenges of Taking on a Child -SGO Journey
Have you ever wondered how you would react when faced with a sudden and unexpected situation of taking care of a child who is not your own? Life is unpredictable, and sometimes it can really catch us off-guard. Taking on someone else’s child can be a challenging and overwhelming experience, but it can also be a hugely rewarding one. So, what happens when you find yourself in such a situation?
11-years ago, we found ourselves in that exact situation.
A baby/child has been removed from their birth parents and placed with foster carers, and as a close relative, you are approached by (or you approach) the Social Services for the baby/child to be removed from foster care and to come live with you ‘so they remain in the family’. The initial panic and shock when the baby/child is first removed from birth parents and placed into foster care is profound, scary, and life-changing. You are told by Social Services you are not allowed to see the baby/child whilst they are living with foster carers and that they have placed the baby/child on the registry to be adopted…. All this happens abruptly, suddenly, and quickly, and life is never the same again.
It’s been 11 years since my husband and I put ourselves forward to take on my step-granddaughter and remove her from foster care, the social workers were in the process of putting her up for adoption and we wanted to stop that, to bring her home and keep her with the family. She was 6 months old when we were granted a Special Guardianship Order (SGO) for her, and our lives changed forever. It’s been immensely difficult, challenging, and scary but also hugely rewarding, and fulfilling.
But, during the Social Services assessment of us becoming SGO (Special Guardianship Order), not once were we told or warned of the massive challenges that come hand in hand with taking on a child that had been removed from their birth parents and had spent time in foster care. Not once…
So what are my experiences of the challenges:
Childhood Trauma
Most (if not all) of these children, who are removed from their birthparents come to you with trauma and a whole heap of other issues, and when we went through the SGO assessment we were not made aware about it, or educated on it, the social services said nothing about trauma, which means unfortunately, a lot of SGO placements do breakdown, and the children end up back in foster care - due to the lack of support from the social services. Luckily, we seem to have gone through the worst of it and we did manage to secure (which should be given automatically) funding for Therapy for a few years that our little girl desperately needed. But, many SGOs are unaware of this additional support available to them, or even find they are denied it, until there is an imminent breakdown of placement. All of which are cost savings moves by the local councils, at the expense of these children’s wellbeing and mental health, as well as their guardians.
When you pass the SGO assessment (6 months of a very invasive process) and that child comes to live with you, the social services completely step away. The exact words to my husband and I were “You don’t want us in your life” - and we thought we didn’t, but how wrong were we?! As, SGOs we have to deal with angry, hateful, toxic, dangerous birth parents, birth parents that blame you (not blaming themselves) for ‘stealing’ their children. We received countless abuse, lies, and hate… all left for you to handle on your own.
Then there is the trauma caused to the child by the birth parents, this could be trauma from being removed from their birthparent, abandonment, or domestic violence, and many other ways. There is no such thing as ‘The child/baby is young, they will grow out of it’ - once that baby/child has been traumatised, it can cause childhood development delay, and the damage is great and stays and affects them for the rest of their life. Consider this, trauma can happen even when the baby is in the womb.
Birth Parents - Lack of Emotional Awareness
Then there is the inconsistency from birthparents who drift in and out of her life as they please, without thought of the effect it has on her mental health or well-being. We have experienced firsthand the deep impact of the birthparents’ actions it has on her. Their sporadic presence has caused additional trauma and heightened the fear of abandonment trauma. It is heartbreaking to witness.
The lack of consistency and stability in their involvement has been profound on her mental health and well-being. It's difficult to understand how the birthparents don't see the lasting damage they are causing by their actions.
Losing Close Family
We were warned by Social Services, that we had to consider putting her before own adult child (birth father), in our case, my husband’s son. Or even accepting they will become estranged from you. But, what we didn’t expect was losing other close family members. In our case, we lost close family because they didn’t agree with us taking her on.
Financial Cost
Let’s not forget the immense financial cost of taking on someone else child. We had our own family, 3 sons, and suddenly a 6-month baby came to live with us, with nothing. Just a bag of clothes and a handful of baby toys. We had to buy a new pram, luckily I’d kept our old cot, but then we had to buy car seats, clothes, and everything else that a baby needs. The social services gifted us with an insulting £50 to help buy everything.
Then there is the ongoing cost of bringing up the child with no financial help. We had to buy a 7-seater car, we haven’t taken a holiday abroad since (although we have had some amazing staycations). We remortgaged to allow us to build an extension, so our own birth children could keep their own bedrooms and space, without having to then suddenly share a bedroom. The list goes on and on….
Finding Unexpected Rewards
Despite the difficulties, there is a profound sense of fulfilment that comes from nurturing a child and watching them grow and thrive under your care. The laughter, the milestones, the small moments of connection – these are the rewards that make the challenges worthwhile. As you navigate the ups and downs of parenting a child with childhood trauma, you learn resilience, patience, and the true meaning of unconditional love.
Currently
I can’t believe it has been 11 years, I remember the start of our journey together so clearly, and now my little girl is grown- she is mine, I may not have given birth to her, but I am her mum, I love her and she is my little girl. She is in secondary school now and thriving. Pre-teen, it’s unreal..but very real. Oh, and she is already taller than me as she likes to torment me about it.
Embracing the Journey
Whether you are a step-parent, a kinship parent, or a guardian through a Special Guardianship Order (SGO), our journey is valid, our struggles are recognised by the SGO/kinship community, and our love is immeasurable. Embrace the unexpected twists and turns of parenthood, knowing that we are making a difference in a child's life, one day at a time.
In the chaotic moments of life, sometimes the most beautiful moments come from unplanned beginnings. So, to all the parents, like us, making a difference through unforeseen circumstances, salute yourself - because I believe you will do it. Resilience, hope, and unwavering love – and your journey deserves to be shared.
