My First Father's Day Without My Father
Sunday was Father's Day, the first Father's Day in my 39-years without my father.
There was no card to buy him, no gift, no visit to see him, no embrace, no kiss from him... nothing.
I have memories, lots of memories, good memories, the best memories, but these memories are still coupled with the raw grief of losing him, bringing on immense sadness, aching, and pain.
I miss him greatly.
Father's Day didn't just affect me, it affected my husband, who had the closest bond to my father, they were very close, he consider him as his own father. My children too, they adored their grandfather. My mum, she was so very brave, and my siblings and nieces and nephews - we all grieved this Father's Day.
The Friday was my middle brothers wedding, amongst the excitement was sadness, knowing that we would have done anything for my father to see his son be married. We cried, we laughed, we smiled, we spoke about him; my brother gave an emotional speech, he was strong, and there were moments of silence where he couldn't find his voice, trying to talk through the tears. We cheered him on, and he done it. It was a touching, perfect tribute to my father. My mum, that day was a strength that got us through, seeing how she held my brother together and supported him through the grief of his father not being there.
I was so invested in concentrating on trying to hold it together on my brothers wedding, that the day after, the day before Fathers day, the realisation and grief hit me hard.
This was going to be my first Father's Day without my father. How was I going to get through that?!
I had to try concentrate on my husband, it is his father day's too, but he wanted to not celebrate it, due to him trying to protect me, due to his own grief of losing my father - but we had to for our kids - they deserve to celebrate Father's Day with their father, as a family. So we got each other through.
On the day of Father's Day, we visited my father's grave, we sat in silence on the bench next to his grave, my husband held my hand and we watched the kids running the dogs around in the long grass and we quietly shred tears.
I had 38-years with my wonderful father, and now....