Dear Darling.. I Let You Down

My darling little girl, I am truly sorry. I let you down.

When you came to live with us at just 5-months old I promised I would protect you. You had ended up in foster care at just 3 weeks old, and from day one we fought to get you out of care and at home with us. When you finally came to live with us, I made a promise, a promise that I would protect you.

4 years on, and I have let you down, and to see how your little heart is hurting, it breaks my heart too. 

Your birth parents came in and out of your life, they would visit you, take you out for the day. They built a relationship with you, made you promises that you believed and that you cherished. You trusted them. They took a piece of your heart, and they embed themselves into your memories.

Then they left. Just like that, gone. without a word. 

When they left, so did a piece of your heart.

I'm desperately sorry this happened to you. You don't understand why; you ask me questions, you ask me why; you ask me where'; you ask me how.  I don't know how to answer.

I don't know what to say, not without doing any further damage, or upset. I don't know what the right words are to say - Instead, I just hold and kiss you and tell you I love you. I know in my head what I want to say, but I know with my heart it is not the right thing to say - I have to put my anger and disappointment aside and to protect you from any further confusion, pain and damage.  I see the pain in your eyes.

You are just a small child, you don't understand. You are innocent. You don't deserve this.

But, my sweet little precious girl, you are my little girl, I may not have birthed you, but I have loved and cared for you every single day and night, and I promise I will continue to love and care for you every single day. But, I beg of you, please, not to blame yourself anymore, it is not your fault; please never doubt yourself. It's not your fault, you have done nothing wrong.

You worry that I will disappear, or that you will disappear, and I reassure you that I will never leave you, you're my little girl and your home is here where we are together, always and forever.

I've failed in protecting you against the pain and hurt caused by people that you should be able to trust, but I promise you that I will always be here.

It's never nice when our children go through a traumatic time, and it is so very hard when we are not always able to make it better.  And, blogging reminds me most days that I'm not alone, I'm not the only parent with heartache - Stressed Mum writes a beautiful letter to her daughter.