Jacob's first week at full time school, reception class, and I have not coped very well. Being m y youngest son, you would think I was better at this, but no, it does not get any easier.

Miserable, moody, snappy, pining and a general feeling of being lost. Hubby and my older two boys, are calling me grumpy rather than mum at the moment. " god mum you need an early night " The thing is I have been having early nights, I haven't been able to stay-up past 10 , my  emotions are zapping everything out of me , so sleep deprived is not what is causing me to be grumpy.

I wasn't expecting these emotions, I had been excited for Jacob, slightly nervous, and I have done this twice already with my older two, but the first day, the emotions flooded in, and it knocked me for six. Then there is Lewis, who is also starting a new school, secondary school and with me worrying about him making the transition from primary to "big" school, it has been a double whammy. 

Clock watching, and having to constantly remind myself that I don't have to pick Jacob up mid-day, I simply haven't been able to relax. 

The first day dropping him off, he told me I wasn't allowed to kiss him "promise mum" yes of course son *sob*, however as he went to walk in the classroom and turns to me with slight panic in his eyes, are you going to kiss me then mum - I respond by giving him the biggest kiss and cuddle, to which he smiles and trots in. He now makes me promise each day that I will walk him to his class and give him a kiss. 

Lunch time came and I found myself worrying how he would get on with sitting in the hall with the other children eating his packed lunch, he doesn't want school dinners, which is good as he is an extremely fussy eater, I would be fraught with worry that he wouldn't eat it and then go hungry, so I feel much better knowing I can make him something in his packed lunch that he will eat. 

Finish time I pick him up, he comes out with the biggest smile, and he is jolly, which reassures me that he is happy.

When we get home from picking Jacob up from school, just in time for the older two to walk home, I am door watching, waiting for my boys to come home, anxious to see how Lewis has got on, his first week in secondary school, which has been fine, good in fact.

The days have felt long, very long.

How long will I feel like this? Is it because Jacob is my baby boy, my last child as such?  So why all the worry? because I love and miss them all, that much, and there is a certain element of not being in control of what happens during school time, or not being there to protect him of any upset? Or is it because it is a new era, my boys are growing-up, getting older, becoming more independent?

I secretly don't want them to grow-up, but then I also enjoy watching them grow-up, turning in to bright young lads. The future is exciting, the future is bright - unfortunately not all milestones are easy at first, but then after the initial shock you can look back and smile.