2017 was not only the hardest year of my life, it was the worst.  

At the start of the year, we lost my brother-in-laws dad, he had passed suddenly. My husband and his brother-in-law are very close, they are best friends.  We are a family, including the outer family that are very close. It was devastating. 

2017 was already looking to be a rubbish year, and then...

My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, given just months to live. He fought the disease for eight months, but the weeks and days leading up to his death were the cruelest times I can remember. 

My dad was 'healthy' he was active and fit for his age - people always commented on how young my dad was for his age (77-years old); he seemed okay, he said he felt well! But, oh, how life can deceive you at times.

'Your eyes can deceive you, don't trust them'.

It all begun a couple of months before his diagnoses, he just couldn't keep food down very well, and so he had to eat mushed up food; there was no visible illness at first, and the cancer diagnoses was a shock.  At first we just thought he was fit enough to fight this horrid disease, we all said to each other 'don't worry the doctor's always give the worst case scenario', we can get the treatment and we will fight this and he will be here for years to come.  How wrong were we... the horrible disease quickly and rapidly escalated.  From his diagnoses in January, to his passing in August, were the hardest days, hours, minutes of my life. 

No matter what you read, see on TV, hear, watching a loved one die slowly from cancer is shocking, devastating, and nothing can prepare you for it, nothing.  

When he passed, as hard and painful as it was, his death also gave some relief, it meant no more suffering for him, it meant he is now able to rest in peace. It also came with deep painful lose, and to be honest I don't think I will ever fully recover from losing my dad.  

The following couple of months we plodded on, grieving, and trying to be strong for one another. I focused on Christmas, we had family coming round and it would be a Christmas where we all shared the fact that we had lost loved ones that year, and that we would celebrate Christmas without them in person, but very much with them in our thoughts and hearts.

Then one week before Christmas, that Monday morning my husband rang me, his brother had died suddenly, from a heart attack.  The shock, was immense. It was devastating, harrowing.  Unbelievable.

Life can be cruel. And for us, 2017, life was extremely cruel.  

In 2017, we also lost both our cats, both 20-years old and are missed greatly. Ceefur passed away in June and Jewel passed away in November.  They gave us so much comfort and unconditional love over the 20 years, slept in my bed (although, Ceefur spelt in Lewis's bed the past 10 years), they are greatly missed. 

We lost a lot in 2017, and how we move on, I'm still trying to figure that out.