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Please don't blame yourself

Please don't blame yourself


"why doesn't she want to see me anymore" 

"why doesn't she like me anymore" 

"I think I annoy her" 

"why doesn't she love me" 

these are just some of the questions Summer asks again and again. 

The first few months, when her mum decided to blank us completely 12-months ago, the questions came thick and fast, then the panic and the grief. It was harrowing to see Summer suffer like she did, and still continues to suffer to this day; she was distraught, desperate and confused.  Crying, panicking, and sobbing. She sobbed a lot for the first few months.

She blames herself for her mother leaving her again and I was and am desperate to get her to understand that it isn't her fault, she is not to blame! But, no matter how many times I tell her that her mum loves her, that it isn't her fault, Summer, doesn't understand why, and it has broken her heart.

It's been 12-months now and she asks less and less, but she still asks, and whenever she wants to talk about her mum, I listen and reassure her - as that is all I can do.

I tell her, her mum does love her, and I'm not sure why she doesn't come see her anymore. I tell Summer she mustn't ever think she did anything wrong and that she never did anything wrong, just that adults have to make hard decisions sometimes. She listens, she hears me, but she doesn't understand, she can't comprehend it. 

She started to make conclusions herself "I remember I annoyed her, "she was moving into a new home, but I don't think she wanted me to see her new home" - it's whys and why nots - confusion, anxiety... and so much more.

I have no answers, I don't know what to say to make it better for her. I try my best to soften the stress and grief she suffers, offering her constant reassurance, and supporting her. She tells me "I think about her a lot" "I like to talk about her", "I like talking about her it makes me happy". I tell her she can talk about her anytime, and I listen, I support her, and I reassure her.

But, as time moves on, the sorrow in her is changing, the distress is turning to anger.

I've noticed she has started to get angry when she talks about her mum. She's not blaming herself anymore, she is starting to blame her mum - but, I can see she is still grieving, hurting and the confusion is still haunting her as she desperately tries to sort her emotions out.

So much pressure on her little soul. It haunts her.

A few months ago she'd resigned herself to believing that we were going to leave her too - that was hard. I was shocked and deeply sadden, scared, at how much she was hurting, the trauma of being abandoned has stole away her security, her trust, her feeling of stability..... 

I've been very active in getting her the help she needs. We've had doctor's appointments, CAF are now involved, her school is very supportive, and we are looking to get her some counselling and support. It's going to be a long hard slog, but I will always be here for her.

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