I hate arguing with my boys, I hate upsetting them, I worry when they are upset. But sometimes, just sometimes with high emotions, my pigheadedness, plus tiredness, it can't always be avoided - I am not the perfect mother, I love the boys with all my heart, I would do anything for them, I try my hardest to be a good mother, but I am me, I am far from perfect and well, sometimes I just don't have the willpower to raise above it.
We hardly ever argue, my teenage son is a good boy, he's respectable, honest, and overall a decent lad, but he is a teenager, and with teenagers comes a lot of roller-coaster emotions, 99% of the time it isn't an issue, he handles his emotions well, but the odd and rare times, he is so tired he gets angry and says not so nice things.
It began 5 minutes before the boys got home from school, we got a text to say my oldest had 4 warnings today in one lesson, thus was given a one-hour detention which will be organised for another day. A little shocked to receive the text as it is so unlike him, I wanted to find out what happened. When he got home, I gave him a few minutes to hang his coat, and start making something to eat, and then I asked him what happened. He didn't take me seriously and made a joke out of it and started to be silly, I wasn't angry with him, I was frustrated, and I was overreacting. I said OK, please try not to make this a habit and get anymore detentions. Unfortunately, his silliness quickly turned into an annoyed and snappy attitude and he made a few cocky comments. The second outburst I asked him to leave it alone and not to carry on, I should have left it there, but instead I threatened to remove his phone - it escalated into a full blown argument.
After 15 minutes of shouting and me repeatedly demanding his phone, him challenging my authority, things got a little out of hand. I knew I could have handled it better, but in that moment I 'wrongly' felt there was no turning back, I couldn't walk out of his room and let him get away with him speaking to me like that and not giving me is mobile - but looking back at it, I should've walked away and dealt with it differently. But, I had dug my heels in the ground so to speak, and I stood repeating for him to hand his mobile phone over.
My two younger boys were stood in the doorway watching, I asked them to leave, and to my shock Lewis started shouting at me to leave his brother alone and I was called me a bad mother for not leaving him alone, it was very upsetting for me, but at the same time I was proud that he was standing up for his brother.
Anyhow I got the phone in the end but did I feel triumphant? no, I was mentally exhausted, upset, defeated, and I felt ashamed. I should have handled it better, I should have, it wasn't fair for my oldest or his brothers. After banishing them in their rooms, I immediately ran downstairs, hid in the corner of the kitchen, slid on the floor and silently cried my eyes out; a hundred whirlwind thoughts going through my head, and at that point I really felt like the worst parent in the world, my heart was heavy, my head buried in my hands on my knees.
Then I heard the boys come in, one by one, they slide down on the kitchen floor with me, and my oldest put his hand on my arm and told me in a calm loving tone, not to be upset, he said he was sorry, he and Lewis didn't mean what they said, it was just an argument, and things got out of control. His, their actions spoke louder than words, it made my heart swell.
I realised I wasn't the worst parent in the world, all the 'I am a bad parent' melted away. I told them I was sorry and I told them how much I loved them. - I always will, I love my boys more than anything in the world.
I learnt a lot from this fight, and I believe we all did. For one, I should set a better example, not to escalate disagreements, I need to be a little more patient with him and to have a bit more faith in him. Teenagers are notoriously grumpy, and they find it hard, and they say things without thought; so whilst he journeys through this difficult stage in his life - I will try to be a better mother all around, it's my constant daily instinct.