The 'Mum Guilt' I Feel as a Mum With Chronic Illness

As a mum grappling with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME / CFS), Spinal Stenosis, and Chronic pain it's a relentless struggle to maintain a balance between looking after myself / self-care and looking after my family. Whilst I'm aware that taking care of myself is crucial for my health, there's no denying the guilt that comes with it; incorporating chronic illness treatment and managing chronic pain, the accompanying guilt is undeniable. It's like I can never win - if I take the time to rest - choosing rest brings guilt for not devoting time to my children while foregoing rest not only neglects my well-being but also risks an ME/CFS crash.

When a ME/CFS Crash Occurs

When I experience a crash/relapse, it significantly impacts my ability to spend quality time with my children. As a parent, it's crucial for me to prioritise my recovery and well-being so that I can fully engage with my kids. However, when a relapse occurs, it hinders my capacity to be present and involved in their lives. This not only affects my own mental and physical health but also disrupts the precious time I could be enjoying with my children. Managing and preventing relapses is essential for me to be the best parent I can be.

it’s easier said than done.

Over the past 3 years, I’ve grappled with the idea of being the best version of myself for my children. However, being a mum with a chronic illness brings an added layer of guilt that is often difficult to shake off. It's a constant battle between wanting to give my children everything they deserve whilst also managing my health issues.

It's something that we mums living with chronic illnesses face every day, and it's difficult to know what to do when you feel stuck between two competing responsibilities. I’ve found that addressing my many turbulent emotions is crucial in managing the guilt, as well as finding a sense of acceptance. It's important for me to acknowledge and validate my feelings, allowing myself to grieve the life I’d imagined.  I try to recognise that it's okay to feel guilty, but it's also important to remember that I am doing the best I can and that it is enough. I remind myself that Self-care isn't selfish - it's essential for my physical and mental health, and it is essential for my children.

More guilt

Another source of guilt for us mums with chronic illnesses is feeling like we're not living up to societal expectations and I sometimes find I am comparing myself to other families who don't have the same health challenges. It can be incredibly disheartening to want to do all the things that other mums are doing but I’m physically unable to. This frustration can turn into anger towards our bodies, towards our chronic illnesses, and even towards others close to us. Thus, I try to focus on what I can do rather than what I can't, and I embrace and celebrate the small victories and moments of joy that I can create or be a part of.

Being Judged

Then, there is the fear of being judged by others, which can also be a significant challenge. Society often places immense pressure on us to be superwomen – to juggle various roles and responsibilities effortlessly. When chronic illness enters the equation, it becomes even more challenging or even impossible to meet these expectations.

Final thoughts

Ultimately, it's important for me, as a mum with chronic illness to be kind to myself and to actively practice self-compassion. I am doing the best I can in a challenging situation, and making sure that my love and care continue to shine through for my children. By prioritising self-care, seeking support, and focusing on the positives, I, as a mum with chronic illness can navigate the 'mum guilt' and find a balance that works for me and my family.

About me

I am a married mother of four children, in my mid 40's. I run a small business and enjoy writing, which is why I blog. My blog focuses on my experiences of living with chronic illnesses and disabilities such as ME/CFS (Myalgic encephalomyelitis), spinal stenosis, chronic pain, and fibromyalgia.